Dear Qui Talks,
Depression is a word that we hear a lot. So much, that many of us tend to not take it as seriously when someone tells us they are getting depressed or is depressed. We do not want to hear our friends or family tell us they are not happy with themselves. We see them as being “Debby-downers” and stay away. The truth is, we do not know what to do when someone close to us says they are depressed. We do not know what to say to cheer them up or we just say all the wrong things that make it worst.
Speaking from my own experience, everyone goes through depression differently. Depression can be seen in some people but others do a very good job at hiding it. People make the mistake with comparing depression with your outer physical appearance. Depression is internal. For me, depression was not knowing, who I was and what I was doing in this world. I felt like I was just a black dot on this planet without a purpose. I was moving but with no direction. I could not see me getting to an end goal. All of my dreams and aspirations didn’t mean anything to me anymore. I didn’t feel like putting in the effort to do anything, not because I physically couldn’t but because I had no motivation to move.
I didn’t want to be around anyone because I could get myself up to actually enjoy the present. All my past hurt kept playing on replay in my head. I was drinking and smoking excessively. Every time I would have to conduct interviews, the majority of the time I was not paying attention to my interviewee. I just kept thinking about everything else but what I was presently doing.
Another thing that sucked it that I felt really alone. I felt as if no one would understand why I was not happy with me. As I stated previously, everyone wears depression differently. I didn’t look depressed but honey I was not happy at all. I was an expert at hiding my depression. Then, I was living with my mom and sister, but they didn’t even know I was depressed. They knew something wasn’t right because I always locked myself in my room when I would come home from work. My mom always said to me, “why are you always in your room when we want to have family time?” I couldn’t explain to my Caribbean parent that I was depressed. My mother would have told me to snap out of it before people thought I was “crazy.”
It took me moving across the country and finally being ALONE to get out of depression. I was depressed for more than 3 years. Moving to California forced me to deal with my depression. That is when I fell into deep depression. I would call my mother and sister crying for no reason. I heard the worries they had for me over the phone. I was across the country without any friends or family, calling my mom hyperventilating from crying all day. All my mom kept saying is “you need to go to church.” At that moment, I wasn’t thinking about church. I was thinking about what am I doing? Why am I living? What is my purpose?
So, I am going to give you a date as to how long this journey of “Not sure who I am” took. Back then, I didn’t think it was depression. Do you remember when Oprah first starting selling her teas with Starbucks? When Starbucks first introduced the sleeves that contained quotes from Oprah? I remember trying to figure out what my purpose was because I’ve been hearing people talk about their purpose all week. I went to Starbucks and got a “grande pike.” On my drink was the sleeve that said, “Follow your passion. It will lead to your purpose.” –“Great, what is my passion?”
It’s funny, now looking back, my depression started because I heard people talking about their purpose in life, and I couldn’t figure mine out. I have been doing fashion and red carpet reporting but secretly I wasn’t content. As much as I showed the glamorous life of being a red-carpet correspondent, I hated it! I was reporting on celebrity gossip. I was spreading hate!
Now, fast-forward to 2017, I have been stuck doing something I hated for many years. I wasn’t helping anyone nor myself. What would I do after getting famous for spreading hate? I’ve always been confident in how I looked and who I was until moving to California. Although this did not take as big of a hit on me but being a dark-skin chubby girl amongst all of these altered women had me second guessing my image. Why are these women being called to do entertainment television? Do not get me wrong, I was moving up fairly quickly, but I was afraid I didn’t have the look so I didn’t want to be seen. Of course, there are a lot more factors that added to my depression, but if I write it all down I may turn this post into a book.
Anywho…depression is real! I dealt with my depression after finding a church I can actually call home and became spiritually balanced. Again I am not an expert, this is all talk through my personal experience. I believe the way to really get rid of depression is knowing and loving yourself, ENTIRELY! I had a lot of time to myself to deal with the things in my head. The only way you may do this is through spiritual practice. That may contain WHATEVER practice mentally stables you. Start with your inside and work your way out. Once you are stable internally, NOBODY or NOTHING will shake you. You will just be happy for no reason. That is what you call internal joy.
Depression is deep rest taken by the body for rejuvenation. Depression is needed for you to become a new person. Do not let it become your title. Get spiritually balanced, first. Smile honey, a new you is on the way!
Talkers, depression can be a serious matter. If you know anyone that may be battling depression, find out how serious it is. You could save a life?